Love, Turil

For you, my honey…

Archive for December 2010

ouch

Ug. Another, harsher, more personal attack on me, from someone other than you. I can take the attacks from you. I even appreciate them. But when others pile on, it’s just too much to take. I can’t take care of everyone, but they demand that I do. Ug.

At least mom is being generous this time. Thank goodness for that. But I really just want you. I miss you so much. Life is so hard without you there by my side.

I need you to help me with this job of working for a better world. The world needs help, and I’m willing to do it, but I can’t do it at all well without knowing that you support me. Your belief in me, your ability to see the power and creativity and passion and dedication in me is what made me strong. It’s what keeps me going.

So really, any support at all from you would be so very healing and useful in helping me keep at it…

Love,
Turil

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Written by turil

December 29, 2010 at 12:13 pm

Posted in all of me

not forward?

I’m worried, at the moment, that my life is moving sideways. That’s the way I see most people’s lives moving. Not forward, just more of the same level.

Hmmmmm.

I look at people who are focused on the superficial stuff, making money, shoveling, eating pasta, etc., and I get frustrated. I need these people to help me make a better world. I need them to stop focusing on the unimportant things that won’t matter in 100 years, or even 1 year. I need them to contribute their own particular brilliance, skills, and passion to making the world a healthier place.

And then I worry that I’m getting sucked into their superficiality, and neutral territory of non-growth.

Hmmmm.

Yep.

Love,
Turil

Written by turil

December 27, 2010 at 12:23 pm

Posted in all of me

fighting for

I see you, my honey, as being a quiet fighter. You have the passion of a warrior. And you have the ideals of a peace lover. I see you on a quest to be that peaceful warrior, who fights for a more loving and beautiful world.

I love that about you.

And when you learn enough about how to fight most effectively and compassionately, you will become that man I imagine you want to become. That peaceful warrior hero who is brave and who uses gentle and strong efforts to forge ahead.

All my love this season of endings and beginnings…

Love,
Turil

moon over moms

Written by turil

December 25, 2010 at 10:02 am

Posted in all of me

sort of

I had a dream this morning in which someone whispered into my ear, “Do you know what hell is like?” I woke up and thought of you, maybe wanting to whisper that to me in real life. To me, you have been stuck in hell. You’re at the bottom of life, angry, scared, and constantly being tortured, it seems, at least from what little I’ve been able to see of your life recently.

My life has indeed been hellish as well, at times. Not so much now. I’ve finally made it into purgatory, I think. I’m purging now. Getting rid of all the demons that have been following me around. Making friends with them, and seeing how they can be tamed/appreciated/worked-with so that they no longer torture me. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s been worth it to face my demons, and really listen to them. I still struggle to put all of my discoveries – about the map to a better future – into words that others can understand. But I know that it’s worth the struggle. Focusing on what I CAN do, with my demons along side me, is the key. My demons like that, and they want to help me do it. Sometimes there is compromise between us, but I’m getting used to that. The compromises are reasonably small, in the grand scheme of things. :-)

I know most of you isn’t capable of hearing me, and that’s ok. I say it anyway, for the tiny part of you that does want to listen…

Love,
Turil

Written by turil

December 24, 2010 at 10:49 am

Posted in all of me

Solstice – the momentary stopping of the sun

The impermanence of life means that I remind myself to do my best to truly appreciate the things I have while I have them, for sooner or later, the river of life will take me down a different path…

I love you, with all my heart, while you are here in the world with me…

Peace within,
Turil

Written by turil

December 21, 2010 at 8:36 am

Posted in all of me

what you want

I notice that many times you act conflicted about whether you want me to be more like you, or more unlike you. :-) You said you wanted me to be more angry when you cheated on me, but then when I was angry you walked out on me.

Me? I just want you close to me, so that I can give you more of the good stuff I find and create in the world, so that you might become more comfortable with the world, and so that you can become more of the kind of man you were born to be, constructive, experimental, and supportive of those who are working to make the world a healthier place.

What I want is to find a space for us, in a more natural/healthy area, where we can be more free to be ourselves, and express all our feelings and thoughts so that we can be more alive and real and passionate and awesome.

Love,
Turil

Written by turil

December 17, 2010 at 11:25 am

Posted in all of me

For you…

I hope you know that more than anything else, I want to give you all the most beautiful things I can find in the universe…

I really do.

Love,
Turil

you gave me this, I want to give you even more than this!

Written by turil

December 16, 2010 at 5:54 pm

Posted in all of me